Wednesday, February 4, 2015

My Dear Friend, Robynn Clayton DeNamur

May 2013. Baby Shower for my little guy
It's been 3 months and I still cry from missing you. I don't think that will ever change. 

When I started working at the bank, I met a young lady who was beyond words on what it means to be a Daughter of God. She was kind, beautiful (both in spirit and body), smart and funny. She took me in as a friend when nobody else would. Robynn and I shared so many things in common. With our past, our goals, our lifestyles... she likes BYU but she makes up for it with her endearing personality. We emailed daily at work. Probably more than we should have. She was at my baby shower, I was in her wedding. Her life impacted me more than I could have imagined... and she was taken away. November 3, 2014. A car accident that left her body broken and beyond repair. She left behind a 5 month old son and her husband of a year and a half. It's such a tragedy when a life is left unlived. That being said, she lived more life than most, and she loved more than most.

Whenever Shaun was out of town, I would call Robynn. She would keep me company, we would go to the movies (swoon over attractive Hollywood stars), go get smoothies, talk about our loves... our kids... Shaun is still traveling and I find myself reaching for my phone to talk to her. To ask her if she's busy tomorrow. I know my prayers and thoughts reach her, I am just selfish and wish her thoughts could reach me. I don't think there's a way to heal from this kind of absence, just different ways to learn to live with it.

June 2013. Robynn's Wedding Day
Whenever I was feeling lonely... funny... friendly... feeling anything at all. I would text her (email, snapchat, call... thank goodness for modern technology). She was a great friend and I know she's looking out for me. Somehow, she was able to love all of the people that she loved while she was physically with us. Now, she is able to watch over us all. I don't know how she does it, but I have no doubt that she does.

November 2012. Girl's Night! I hate pictures of myself,
but she insisted. So grateful that she did.

 I love you, Robynn. I will always cherish your life, friendship and love.  I will always miss your sweet smile. I would request that you Rest In Peace, but if I know anything about you, it's that you're busy as a bee on the other side.

September 6, 1991 - November 3, 2014

Friday, August 15, 2014

Too Much To Keep Up With!

Again, I'm not the best at keeping up on this! Honestly, it only happens when Shaun is out of town. Not even then, when you consider he's been gone for 3 weeks and I'm barely getting around to it now. A lot has happened!
Some people are too cool for school.  #theymeltmyheart

Shaun's company that he works for (Fusion-IO) was bought out by Sandisk. We had a couple of stressful weeks where we weren't sure if he had a job or not. But not only does he have a job, he got a raise! Obviously, I won't go into details about THAT but we are very blessed. Couple hard work with blessings and there's nothing holding us back. That's why he's been traveling so much, though. Transferring, training, teaching, etc. He's a busy guy but loves his work (luckily, he loves Mr Max and myself more!)

As for Max, he's growing like a weed. His birthday was a slam dunk! Dinosaur themed (as was everything else his first year!)

Just like his Dad... he does NOT approve of being dirty

Dino Room!!
Dino Easter Basket! Yep! I designed/ cut/ painted/ assembled it all!
Sadly, my family couldn't make it. My brother had a child blessed and another baptized, then one of my sisters gave birth! Busy, fun summer for everyone!

Then there's me. My life as a stay at home mom has never been more rewarding. I don't watch the clock all day. I don't only enjoy the weekends. I don't count down the weeks until I can quit my job. Because my job is amazing!! That being said- I do not want another baby for a while! Ha, ha. Max can take all the time he wants being an only child.
This kid climbed in the tub himself. No idea how but it was adorable :)

Another exciting adventure that has presented itself: I was approached by to be one of their weekly "Staff Storytellers"! Adoption has been a defining aspect to my personality for 5 (GLORIOUS) years. And now, I have another opportunity to help others in need, while (selfishly) helping myself. My first article is being published August 19 and I have another being published August 23. I'm using a pseudonym- so Facebook friends will know who I really am, everyone else can suck it.

A pic after our date back in June! 5 years old!? When? How?

Playing Peek-A-Boo with Max! Melted my heart. Such a surreal moment.

We have spent a summer of camping (again). It's not been fun (again). Seriously... on the last trip Max fell... like a million times... gave himself a goose egg that would put all other goose eggs to shame, he gave himself a bloody nose, then threw up (twice) on me, himself, and all of our sleeping bags (the puking was 36 hours after his fall, so not a concussion). It was lovely (to be read with the thickest sarcasm possible). If I didn't love Shaun so much I would refuse camping forevermore.

There is an extremely crude summary of our summer. Life is too busy! But I love it.

Thursday, November 7, 2013

You'll Be in My Heart. No Matter What They Say.

It's been over a year since I've written! I cannot believe how quickly time flies. Allow me to fill you in (even though this is mostly family/friends so you all already know!). Shaun & I found out last September that we were expecting! So exciting. We found out when we were only 5 weeks along and when we were 6 weeks along we had quite a scare. In fact, we were both almost 100% positive we had lost the baby. The next 18 hours were heart wrenching as we discussed our options. We finally decided to get an ultrasound to tell us for sure what the outcome was. Instead of pain, we were blessed. Blessed and surprised to see not only that the baby was still there, but that the heart was beating. In fact, the ultrasound technician said the baby was so young the heart must have started beating that day! What a blessing!! I was put on "Pelvic Rest" to insure the baby's safety for the rest of the first trimester. But by week 13, it was Thanksgiving and we decided to tell our families just what we were thankful for!
Other than the first scare, the rest of the pregnancy went extremely smoothly. No morning sickness, we were able to tell the gender about 5 weeks before we expected to (it's a BOY!) & my labor/ delivery was phenomenally easy. Like, I try to avoid telling the story because I feel bad that it went so smoothly. Except I do like to mention that Shaun went and got dinner, then ate it in front of me when I wasn't allowed to eat. It's ok, though, because our son did what boys do (ummm... evacuated his bladder) on him before he even took his first breath. So he got back at him for me. What a great kid ;)
Then, June 1st at 1:18 AM we welcomed Max Shaun Bagley into our world. He was a perfect 21" long and weighed in at 6 lbs, 12 oz. Not to mention the beautiful butt-chin that he inherited from his father. I love Shaun so much. And Mr Maximus.
Since then, life has been crazy. We've been blessed to have Shaun as our provider. Up until now it's been equal roles of providing income which has brought us to our house, 4 degrees, almost out of student loan debt, 2 cars paid off and 1 that will be paid off 4 years before we planned...not to mention that Max's birth was paid off before he was 2 months old. The plan was for me to continue to work for another year. The Lord has a funny way of redirecting our path sometimes. It ended up working out better for me to quit my job at Zions Bank (miss my coworkers) and be full time, stay at home mom (I've already gotten the "What do you do all day?!" question and I love sarcastically answering, "Take naps and watch TV"). There has never been a time in my life that I have ever felt so fulfilled. My plan growing up was to get a degree and have it as back up, but to ultimately be a stay at home mom, if the situation allowed for it. The situation does allow for it and I cannot remember a time that I have been this happy. This is my calling.

 So, here we are. My son is 5 months old, as tall as a 9 month old (seriously, those are the pants he fits in... where did he get his height from?!) and as beautiful as they come. I'm up at 2 AM because, why not? I get to take naps all day ;) Or because insomnia is a blessing I've been given. I guess that might be why getting up with a newborn those first few weeks wasn't too traumatic for me. Anyways, hopefully it won't be another year before I get around to this again. Here's another cute picture of Max. Shaun took it as he was headed out the door to go hunting. It is that time of year again.... 

On another quick note. November is National Adoption Month. My outlook on being a birth mom has changed so much, especially since Max's birth. I remember when I had a few moments alone in the hospital with Matthias, just minutes before we left to go to the adoption agency to sign the papers... I sang him a song. Actually, a Disney song (You'll Be in My Heart by Phil Collins). And sometimes, I still sing it to myself just to remind myself of our connection that is truly unique. I carried him, I heard his heart beat and I felt his little legs stir inside of me. I labored because of him, with him, and for him. My body ached when he left and if my heart could have been broken any more it would have been. But now... now I look at him with such pride. Knowing from the beginning that he never really belonged in my arms helped. I almost feel guilty for being able to be part of something so beautiful. I almost feel like I don't deserve it. Being a birth mother is wonderful and I'm so blessed. Matthias Kacey... "Gift from God. Gift from K.C." or, at the time, Kirsti Christensen. Thank you J & C. Happy National Adoption Month.
A picture from our last visit. July 2013.
Feeling tired! Finally!! Goodnight, all!

Tuesday, October 2, 2012

Life is Crazy

Oh boy! Crazy life happening and I LOVE IT!

Firstly: I recently read an article about "food porn" i.e., pictures of food that are ridiculously good looking and make you think you're hungry even if you aren't physically hungry (it was actually a really interesting read. Sometimes I think I think I should have gone into psychology because i find things that play with the mind like that FASCINATING!)

But anyways. Food porn. Disgusting name, interesting concept. I've been cooking food that looks delicious and oddly enough--it tastes delicious. Here: I took pictures.
broccoli & cheese, grilled chicken with mesquite seasoning (Shaun actually cooked that on the grill! what an amazing guy I have), and pink stuff with a side of strawberries.

assorted steamed veggies, breaded Parmesan chicken with a side of strawberries.

bacon!! oh, and an egg, cheese, BACON, & tobasco sauce on a toasted bagel with (you guessed it!) a side of strawberries.

Ok, so I exaggerated about it looking delicious. But it sure tasted delicious so who cares, am I right? And maybe I get a little carried away with strawberries, but they're so delicious. Can you blame me? Mmmmm... I'm going to make myself a bowl of strawberries and milk right now (the cheaper version of strawberries and cream).

So anyways, now that THAT'S over. I guess I can mention a few of the other things that are happening. Shaun & I finally got a new car! It's my new baby and I'm so in love. I should be, though! We spent over a year looking for her! Here's a picture of how beautiful she is.
Shaun sure likes to think about things for a long time before he makes a decision. Which is why I'm so glad he chose me! I know he really thought about us getting married :) 
Also: he may have gotten me a mac (sheepish grin). I love macs. I guess I should specify to "Macbook Pro". He replaced something or other and installed a CD drive in it so I could still watch my movies that I fall asleep to. Man, I love that guy.

Hmmmm... what else? Oh! I got a new job. It's fancy. Sort of... It's actually exactly what I was doing before but now I'm inside of a branch permanently. But it feels fancy because I have an official desk and a name plate. And now I get to learn about the operations inside of a branch. Blah, blah, blah, blah... I know everyone cares about branch operations. Which is why I'm going to go into deep detail about it. NOT. No worries. A picture is worth 1,000 words.
 We went camping up AF canyon. It was FREEZING! I love the cold but there's a limit. Kind of like how I love candy but whenever I eat an entire bag of oreos I sometimes wish I didn't... Yeah. It had snowed the weekend before where we were camping and we had forgotten to pack (drumroll...) our sleeping bags. We had some blankets and a lot of sweaters! And here goes a challenge: turning the negative into a positive. Since we were awake basically the entire night we were able to listen the elk sing to each other (I guess a more accurate word would be "scream" but it doesn't sound as poetic when you say it like that). It was pretty cool sounding. Makes me mad at humans for ruining nature like we have (and I'm not even a granola from Colorado!). But seriously, the sounds were way neat and did make me appreciate nature a little bit more. Oh, and the beautiful view. I wish the photo showed how vibrate the colors really were.
for REAL! Orange, yellow, green, forest green, mountain range... ahh.. makes me want to visit the east to see the leaves change out there!
Life is about to get even more exciting so soon! (No, mom. I'm not talking about babies)

Love you all!! My life just goes to show that if you endure things will eventually turn out in your favor. I'm not dismissing trials, but I am admitting that my life is awesome... despite them...

Oh, wait!

I forgot to mention. Shaun, his little brother (Dallas) & his little brother's girlfriend (Emily) and I wen to Frightmares at Lagoon. I've never been and it was everything I had hoped for. If I could make a suggestion: go to Lagoon in September! There were virtually no lines. I think the longest we waited was 10 minutes. And that was only for 1 ride. Sweetness. And we're going paragliding, on a zip line, zombie haunted house, the haunted circus in Draper, and we're off to Disneyland next week! Crazy life!! LOOOVE IT! 

Wednesday, August 22, 2012

Around the West in 80 Days

Summer is drawing to a  close. Sadly, so are vacations. We've spent this summer working, throwing parties in our new house, and driving all over the states of Utah and Idaho! Actually, the last part was only done in 2 weeks. It was a crap ton of driving but loads of fun! I'm just going to cover that last part really quickly...

We drove down to Fish Lake resort for a few days...

Then drove over to Koosharem for a few more days...

Then drove home... laundry... pack... drove some more....

Drove to Stanley, ID for a few days...

Drove home...


Drove to work...

Amidst all of the driving we had a lot of fun. To be honest, I really enjoyed the driving. Shaun cranks up the music and we rock out until we have headaches (yeah, a down to heart country girl rocks out to whatever Shaun listens to) then we talk, then I sleep, repeat. Pause occasionally for bathroom breaks. From leaving our house to Fish Lake to the time we got home from Stanley we totaled over 1,120 miles and 20+ hours. I reread the Hunger Games series about 3 times (and now that the first movie is out I've watched it about a million times). Shaun worked on the ranch with his grandpa Bagley and I actually considered shooting a rabbit. That's probably as close as I'll get to killing a poor thing, though. Ha, ha.

Now we're onto bigger and better things! I'm already getting ready for the holidays! Shaun and I have finished our stockings (I'll post pictures of those later) and I cannot wait for this daggum heat to stop! Come on SNOW!! 

So, remember last year when I posted our pictures under the "Bagley" sign at the ranch? Well, the tradition continues!



Maybe one day I'll have a bigger belly to pose under this sign with... or a dog... yeah, hopefully a dog.

Wednesday, June 20, 2012

Adoption Post!

so i was asked an interesting question tonight. it was by a friend of mine and she meant it in a totally sincere and non-offensive way. but it was such a complicated question that it got me thinking and now i need to express my thoughts somewhere! haha. so here goes the question. she asked me, "do you ever regret placing your son?". yeah, i told you it was a loaded question. my short answer to her was, "for myself, yes. for him, no".
am i right? he was born perfect.

as a birth mom you experience all of the emotions, even the unimaginable ones. i've felt my child move in my stomach, i heard his heartbeat, his first cry, and spent the better portion of a year praying and stressed of what to do. i remember how heavy my insides felt when his father left me to go through it alone. i remember the pain of childbirth, the months of physical healing, years of emotional healing, and every single tear that fell. i remember holding my son for the first time and the universe disappeared around me. hell, even i disappeared. all that mattered was him. he had 10 perfect fingers, big blue eyes, and the curliest blonde hair! even being a day old i could see that he picked the best features from his birth father and from me. unbelievable. and yes, i remember waking up the 2 days later with out him. but somehow, the sun still rose. the flowers bloomed anyways. how could the world be so beautiful when i was in so much pain?
many therapy sessions later, however, i was able to regain my old personality. i actually laughed without forcing it. oh, what a nice change. i felt human again! then, i stayed at a friend's house. his little brother was around 9 years old at the time. i glanced inside his room and began to cry all over. it was like i hadn't healed at all! how unfair the world was. it killed me inside to know that my baby would grow up to be a boy. he would have a baseball quilt on his bed and legos spread across his floor. he would come inside all dirty with scraped knees. he would go to bed in his scooby doo pj's and wake up the middle of the night, crying from a nightmare. he would cry out to his mother and he wouldn't be crying out to me... so yeah, to be brutally honest, i regret placing him because part of me wants to be selfish. part of me wants to be the one he comes home to after school and tells me what he learned that day.

 but then there's the bigger and better part of me. the part that remembers why a life for him was worth giving him up forever. when i see a 3 year old playing in the park with his parents and i begin to cry i call my dad. i call him and cry to him and tell him everything that is horrible about his daughter. he tells me he loves me and that i'm wonderful among with other Daddy-Daughter advice, then hands the phone to my mom. she tells me things that only another woman would be able to say. she makes me feel better, too. and suddenly, i remember why i placed him. i remember why i didn't choose abortion, or single parenting, or any other option: he needed 2 parents. just like me. now, i'm not saying that every child needs 2 parents. i know plenty of girls who are single parents and their kids are happy, healthy, smart and all of the above! also, i know plenty of people raised by single parents who are wonderful people! and function well in society! adoption isn't for everyone and i completely understand and respect that. but, it was for me. and for my son. i'm lucky enough to see him in person whenever they're in town (because his parents are just that amazing!). i'm lucky enough to hear him call out my name. i'm also lucky enough to watch how much he loves his parents and how much they love him. he is so caring. he now has a little sister, too! during my last visit with their family his sister was crying and he walked up to her, pet her head and gave her a kiss. it made her cry harder but he was so sweet about it. if i had raised him myself he wouldn't have the opportunities that his 2 loving parents have already given him. he wouldn't have his baby sister. the thought that i almost took that away from him makes me ache more than his absence in my life.

so, to sum it up, i have experienced anguish and grief over choosing to place. but he is so perfect exactly how he is that i would never regret placing him- and he's the reason i did it all. i love his parents and i'm so grateful that they have been so patient and understanding with me. i will never be able to repay them for allowing me to be part of his life.

so yeah, there's the answer to that question. sleep well, folks! i'm going to bed.

this is an old picture but it's of one of the visits. that's his mom, him, and me! :)

Monday, June 11, 2012

To Make a House a Home

 We've relocated! Ok, it's kind of old news. We've been in our house a couple of months but I didn't want to put up pictures of boxes! So I waited until we unpacked a little bit and I'm not posting inside the rooms. You'll have to pardon the empty walls and shelves. But it takes a little while to make a house a home! And it takes memories. So if you see a house full of empty walls and vacant space, I see a home with the potential to build a family.
The Kitchen! The dining room is in the space to the right of the picture. Just an empty space for a future dining table.

This is the view from our balcony. Pretty intimidating!! But pretty FREAKING awesome! I would estimate a 40' drop. Any guesses? Ha, ha.

And here is our family room from the top of our stairs. can you see the spot I've claimed for my butt impression? 

Oh, more view. This is the view from mine and Shaun's room. That's Utah Lake! We can see the windmills down in Spanish Fork (on a clear day). So, umm, yeah, don't want to brag, but that's a pretty dang beautiful view. 

 Our Bathroom! I tell people that this bathroom is the only reason I bought the house. His/Her sinks. The door on next to the towels is the walk in closet (so huge that I have to vacuum the carpet inside and it actually takes a significant amount of time), the one on the left is the outhouse. Not kidding. You can see the toilet in there. So funny, right?

This is reason 1.2 I bought the house. A GINORMOUS bathtub. Yep, so magnificent I used a word that's not even a real word. Very comfy. So big it takes up all the hot water to fill it up. 

The view from mine and shaun's room. It'll be easy to hear the kids not going to bed :) Whenever they come into the picture. Door by the stairs: Laundry Room. Door by the light switch: hall bathroom. Ok, let's go back downstairs.  

 ...Before we do... This is in the hallway. Just a tiny little cove that I've dedicated to the wedding. My bouquet, Shaun's Boutineer, our cake topper, our sign in book and one of our engagement pics. 

And you can see the stairs on the left. This is in our front room. Behind the couches. So cute! 

A fireplace! Can't wait until Christmas already!! A roaring fire next to our tree! Um, Yes PLEASE!

These are the stairs to our basement. It's unfinished. I don't go down there :) Ha, Ha

So there ya go! It's a brief, brief  tour of our wonderful house! If you would like to see it in person you're more than welcome to come on over. Text or call so I can try to clean up before you get here, if you could. Love and Kisses!


P.S. Look at how tall Matthias is! This was our last visit just a couple of weeks ago. He was walking me around the park. Oh my heck, I love that kiddo so much. I can't believe he's almost 3!